


Heartfelt Horrors

by SilvertonguedClotpole



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Poor Merlin, father/son moment, fatherly gauis, i want to hug him, knights arthur and gwen don't feature much
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-08
Updated: 2013-07-08
Packaged: 2017-12-18 03:33:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/875135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilvertonguedClotpole/pseuds/SilvertonguedClotpole
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Merlin has a particularly vivid and emotional nightmare, only Gauis can calm him. A little fic of Gauis being fatherly and protective of his young ward after a bad night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heartfelt Horrors

**Author's Note:**

> So I always loved fatherly Gauis/son Merlin but it wasn't done very often, hence why this little thing popped into my head. Nightmare is Merlin's POV, rest is Gauis'.

_His hands were covered in blood, there were no bodies yet everywhere he looked there was the scarlett of the liquid, on the walls, in pools on the floor, and painting the leftover weapons and shields of long forgotten warriors. Little fires flickered all around the abandoned, ruined hall. Where was he? It looked like the great hall of Camelot, but it was old, dilapidated, and crumbling. The ceiling was gone, showing the dark grey cloudy sky reflecting the feeling in the pit of his stomach. It looked the way it did before a heavy storm hit, the ones where you watched them roll in from afar, the ones that did not stop for hours. He used to enjoy watching them from his tower window, but now it only brought more devastation to the already agonising feeling gripping his heart. It looked as if a war had ended less than a day ago, but the room looked like it had been long abandoned, even the ivy was dead on the walls, the banners ripped and musty, and a layer of dust covered everything that was not already covered in blood or laid in the path of a draft. Books were left on the last page been read, but were barely readable as he looked them over, the words were half covered in muck, the pages crumbled in his hands and caught in this throat when he inhaled. He wanted to cry, he was supposed to protect Camelot, but here he was, stood in what used to be a spectacular hall, surrounded by the ghosts of memories._  
  
 _As he strained his eyes into the shadows beyond the columns he saw what he had assumed must have been the stones from the walls lying on the floor, but now that he looked, he realised they were too big, too defined. Rubbing the tears from his eyes, he locked on the nearest mass and noticed the patterns decorating the stone, those of the old religion, almost Celtic in their design. It was clear to anyone that these were crypts. He was too exhausted from the shock to even count how many, but he could see there were at least 10. Though he did not actually wish to go anywhere near them, his legs took him towards the closest one; they were all decorated the exact same, giving no indication of who slept beneath them. Much to his surprise, the lids were not heavy, they slipped off with even his weakest push._  
  
 _It took his eyes a while to adjust to the new light levels but when they did he stumbled back in complete mortification. "Mother." He only just managed to let the words pass his lips, but it was more of a horrified breath than actual speech. There was Hunith, peacefully laid out, her hands on her stomach and the traces of a smile on her lips. Her face was paler than he had ever seen and her brown hair had a grey tint to it. What had happened? The last he knew, she had been living peacefully in Ealdor, he had only seen her a month before when they had past by during a horrible hunting weekend, she had been well, more healthier and happier than he had seen her in years- he remembered because it tugged at his heart a bit that it was his absence and leaving the village that had contributed to her happiness. The crypt was too high for him to kneel next to and still be able to see her, but his legs collapsed beneath him and he fell onto the side of the grave anyway. It took all his strength to keep himself up- to some degree- and remained staring down at the body of his mother. She couldn't have been dead long, her body was in pristine condition, just like she was asleep. That was how he tried to think, that she was just asleep, but it was impossible to believe, what with the blood, dust and complete destruction that surrounded him. He completely lost his footing when she suddenly opened her eyes, his feet gave way underneath him and he smacked his head on the crypt. Ignoring the pain and obvious blood running into his eye, he looked upon his mother, happiness enveloping his heart. "Mother!" This time he did get the word out, and it was full of joy, a complete contrast to how he had breathed it before._  
  
 _"You killed me Merlin." The smile soon faded._  
  
 _"What?"_  
  
 _"Uther...he found out your secret...he discovered you were a warlock. And then he went after everyone who loved you."_  
  
 _"No." He shook his head, unable to comprehend what she was saying. How? How had Uther found out? "Gauis?" She nodded in response. "Gwen?" Nod. He couldn't go on. He felt sick._  
  
 _"They came to Ealdor, burnt the entire village down one house at a time. I could hear the screams of children, the pleading of husbands to spare their child's and wives lives. You killed us all. They left me until the end, and they finally told me why they were doing these horrible things. Because of you. Then they tied me to a tree, by my hands. I was left to hang, waiting until they chose what they wanted to do next. And then they began hitting me, like a dummy your knights use in training. They broke my ribs, I started to choke on my own blood Merlin, I couldn't breath, and then things went black."_  
  
 _Merlin was shaking, his entire body was out of control and his head throbbed painfully. His stomach twisted like he wanted to be sick but nothing came up. His mother began screaming, in a way that he could only imagine she had when they were beating her to death, and it echoed around the hall like some terrible nightmare. He backed away, he couldn't take the sight of her anymore, but it was no good, because he could still hear her, still see the image in his mind. His back bumped into something- another coffin?- but he couldn't bear to turn around, until all of a sudden, a hand grabbed his wrist in a vice like grip and pulled him down. He had no choice but to turn around, for if he didn't the ghostly hand would have twisted and broken his arm._  
  
 _His eyes widened in horror. "Arthur?"_  
  
 _"I trusted you. You were my best friend and I held you closer to me than any of my knights. Merlin....you betrayed me." This Arthur was the exact replica of his mother, he looked just as she had done laid there, arms folded, face pale yet peaceful, and with grey streaks in his young hair. He looked just as he had the day before, when he had bullied Merlin into being the target in practice, except for the slightly older hair and pale features. "Uther killed me, his own son, because he believed me to be in alliance with you, he could not see past his hatred. The same hatred that now consumes me. I hate you Merlin. I hate your guts."_  
  
 _Arthur let go of him and he backed away once more. His head was so light, it felt as if he was floating and would collapse any second, so the only movements he could acknowledge were those of falling onto numerous crypts. He couldn't coordinate his steps, the only thing he was capable of was tripping and stumbling as his vision clouded. Each time he fell onto a crypt, he saw another one of his loved ones lying there dead. All he could hear was his own breathing and the haunted voices of Hunith and Arthur. "I trusted you." "We all died because of you Merlin."_  
  
 _He crumbled, just like the walls of the citadel; his legs buckled and he buried his head in his hands as he bent over, kneeling. He began rocking on his shins, trying his best to cover his ears and stop the voices, but it seemed they were in his head. When that failed, he began clenching his fists so hard he drew blood, it was too much. Just as he was beginning to pass out, another voice joined the chorus. It was Lancelot. And then another. Gwaine's. And another, and another, and another. Gwen's, Leon's, Percival's, Elyan's...Gauis'._  
  
 _"I should never have accepted you as my ward. You never brought me anything but worry and trouble. I became a traitor because of you. I was the first he killed. A friend of over 40 years and he didn't think twice about burning me. It should have been you he burnt. But you ran. You selfish little boy."_  
  
 _"How could you Merlin?" Gwen's voice rang out next. "All those secrets we shared and you did not even think to tell me your biggest one. You are a liar and the worst friend."_  
  
 _"Mate." Gwaine. "You suck. I would never have come to Camelot with you if I'd have known. You condemned us all to death." The other knights echoed his words. "Condemned us all to death, condemned us all to death."_  
  
 _"I should never have come back here." Lancelot. "It is your fault, everything, Uther never trusted me anyway thanks to your stunt with the knighthood. As soon as he found out about you he came after me, ran me straight through like a boar on a spit."_  
  
 _"I HATE YOU." Now this was a new voice, one he had not heard for a long time. He couldn't quite place it, yet it was too familiar. "You could have told me from the beginning, you could have helped me, but you were incapable of even helping someone you supposedly called a friend. There was a time I thought I loved you Merlin, you cared for me more than anyone ever had. But you let me suffer through my agony without having even the decency to tell me you were a warlock." Oh of course....Morgana._  
  
 _Merlin's head was about to explode, all the voices boomed like drums. The pressure made his nose bleed, but he left it, why bother anyway. Was he dying? He didn't care. He just couldn't take it anymore. His back hit a column and he stayed there, just pleading for it all to go away, but it didn't. Instead the voices grew louder and continued to chant the harsh words they were saying._  
  
 _"It's all your fault; we died because of your selfish needs; why bring your troubles to Camelot, you could have just run away and let us live our lives in peace; you were never anything but trouble; I hate you; you're pathetic Merlin; you are a monster, how many have you killed; you lied to me; if you had just told me what you were maybe I would not have turned the way I did...."_  
  
 _The last one hit Merlin right in the heart, more-over than any of his friends and family, because it was the one he thought of every single night- if he had just told Morgana the truth about him, he could have helped her, could have stopped her walking the wrong path, he could have saved her from herself!_  
  
 _"I'm sorry Morgana, I'm so sorry. I regret every day that I didn't tell you and if only I could change that. You deserve so much more, you deserve a happy life, here in Camelot, with people who love you...I love you...I did wrong, so very wrong and I am so so sorry." His hands were now in his hair, tugging at the clumps he had managed to fist in his self torture. Blood still ran down his face, though he was unsure if it was from his head wound or the nail punctures in his hands._  
  
 _"Merlin?"_  
  
 _"Merlin?"_  
  
 _"Merlin my boy!" This voice was different, it sounded like Gauis but not the one currently calling him selfish and stupid from the cript to his left, it seemed almost 'around' him, in his head, just like when Kilgharrah speaks to him. He tried to reply, to ask where this Gauis was, the one who he could reach for and weep into until the pain went away. But there was nothing, nothing other than the rising voices of his dead loved ones, the voices and an odd noise he couldn't pin-point, something that sounded like screaming, mixed with agonised crying. Oh wait...that was him!_  
  
\----------------------------------------------  
  
Gauis knew he wasn't going to get much sleep, he had slept a lot of the day due to recent stress and was now no longer tired. His sleep pattern would be out for a good few days- unless of course he used a sleeping draught on himself, ahh, now there was an idea.  
  
He sat up from his cot and worked his way over to the table where he stored his non-dangerous medications; it was actually quite surprising how many nosy people tended to try his potions without asking what they were for. Although the light from the candle helped him on his way and kept him from tripping over things- unlike the clumsy oaf that was Merlin- he still managed to stub his toe and bang his knee. Grabbing the sleeping draught, he began to make his way back over to his cot, before he heard a sound. Standing as silently still as possible, he listened for it to come again. When it did, he realised it was just Merlin in his room, probably moving around thanks to the heat they were currently enduring, none of them ever slept well when it was this hot.  
  
He sat down once again on the side of his bed and began to uncork the bottle, but then the sounds coming from his ward's room began to grow louder, more pained than just a simple uncomfortable young man. Listening, he could hear Merlin mumbling things in his sleep; " _I'm sorry, what have I done, I am so sorry. Please forgive me, I would change everything if I could."_   That wasn't good. Merlin rarely had bad dreams, but Gauis had found that when he did, they were more extreme than anything he had ever seen or heard of before. Whilst Morgana's dreams had been bad, they would always amount to something and would usually only be short glimpses of what was to come, but Merlin's were always filled with nightmares not even Gauis could imagine. They would last for hours and bring about complete misery for the young boy.  
  
Deciding to see what state he was in, Gauis slowly got up, fighting his creaking form, and shuffled over to Merlin's door. Once inside, he knew this was an exceptionally terrible dream, for his surrogate son was drenched from head to toe in sweat, he was deathly pale and tears ran from his eyes like a river. The covers were on the floor and even the jug of water he keeps by his bedside had been flung to the floor- how had he not heard the crash?  
  
"Merlin?" He kept his distance for the time being, due to the limbs flying all over the place. Knowing that when, eventually, the young man did wake he would be in a bad way, Gauis turned to fetch fresh water, a cloth and some lavender. Grinding the lavender into smaller pieces, he placed it in an incense bowl, carrying it, along with another bowl full of water into his apprentice's room. By now Merlin's thrashing had stopped, and he was laid in the fetal position, back to Gauis, crying into his arms. Slight panic struck the old man when he saw blood on the pillow, not a lot, but enough to cause his heart to race slightly- it couldn't be a good thing that a nightmare was causing the young man to bleed. Placing the lavender by the window, he allowed the breeze (what little there was) to spread the calming scent around the small but cosy room. Merlin seemed to become a little more aware, but still continued to mumble and cry.  
  
"Merlin?" He didn't want to get too close yet, knowing how sudden an outburst could come when Merlin was in this state.  
  
"Merlin?"  
  
He sighed. "Merlin, my boy!" He tentatively placed a hand on the boy's shoulder who tensed up under his touch. _Please don't attack me, please don't attack me._ "I'm here, there is nothing to worry about."  
  
The tense form under his hand began to shake even more than before, the crying grew stronger and, much to Gauis' horror, he began to scream. Merlin tossed and turned, screaming, and all Gauis could do was just sit there, tears brimming his eyes. Not able to take it any longer he pulled Merlin into a sitting position, sat behind him and tried to pin his arms to his chest, all at the same time as soothing him. The screaming died down but he still struck out, and as much as Gauis tried to prevent it, he got a pretty harsh elbow to the lip. Reeling back and protecting his face from oncoming attacks, he admitted that in that moment, he was scared both of, and for, Merlin. The boy had laid back against his pillows for a good few minutes, crying and body in full spasm, but all of a sudden, the nightmare must have hit it's climax, for he shot up, eyes widening in terror and sat, panting for breath which was not coming.  
  
Gauis composed himself. "Merlin?" The boy jumped slightly but did not strike out, he merely continued to sit, shivering and gasping for air. Gauis realised how much trouble he was having and quickly gathered him in his arms, pulling him to him, so his back was to his chest. "Breath with me, feel my breath and follow it. Ssshhh, come on, calm down, ssssshhhh."  
  
The boy wasn't just shivering, he was trembling, and each little breath he did manage to suck in, rattled in his chest; his throat must have been tight for he wheezed each time. Once his breathing had evened out a little bit (though not enough to make Gauis happy), Merlin began coughing violently, it was probably just an after effect of the dream, but Gauis did not like the way the boy barked. Merlin was trying to say something but he couldn't quite hear what.  
  
 _Cough, cough, cough_. "Sick" It was barely a whisper. _Cough, cough, cough._  
  
Gauis then noticed that between the coughs, his ward was retching. He ran as fast as possible into the main room and grabbed a bucket, not caring if it was the one he used for water or not, all that mattered here and now was Merlin. Rushing back into the room, he managed to reach the boy just in time before he spilled his stomach contents onto the bed, so instead it poured into the bucket. A small part of him worried why Merlin was being so sick, but he put it down to the fact that this dream must have been so terrible, it shocked him, plus the result it had had on his chest would have caused his stomach to detest too. "Merlin, can you hear me?"  
  
"Gauis?" His ward's voice was small, much smaller than usual, and was laced with evidence of his recent coughing fit.  
  
"I'm here. There's no need to worry now. Here drink this." He near enough shoved the cup of water into Merlin's mouth, who accepted it with a small smile. "Don't drink too fast though." Now he pulled the cup away when the young man started choking it down. "Do you want to talk about it?"  
  
"Not really." Merlin was still shaking, and his brow was covered in sweat. Gauis pulled the boy towards him so they were both leaning back, him against the headboard, whilst Merlin put his weight on his chest. The old physician looped his arm around the boy in a protective manner, bringing him even closer and trying his hardest to quell the tremors coming from his body. Reaching over to the bowl of cool water, he dabbed a ragged cloth into it, wrung it out and brought it to his surrogate's face. Dabbing the cloth around the boy's face, he finally settled it on his forehead, knowing that after a nightmare the size of what he'd just experienced, his head would be agony.  In response, Merlin relaxed onto his chest a little more and closed his eyes in relief. "That's nice."  
  
"You're still shaking my boy."  
  
"Can't help it. Sorry." It was clear how much pain he was in, for even his voice shook and his lips barely moved, so the words came out in a mumble. It took Gauis a few minutes to remember he had seen blood on Merlin's pillow and he gave the young man a once over; when he couldn't see anything, he put it down to a nosebleed caused by stress.  
  
"Could I have another drink please?" Merlin held out his hand to accept the cup, and that's when Gauis saw it, the blood covering his hands, mostly dry, but with a small amount of fresh liquid.  
  
"Merlin!" He took the hand, and then his other, noticing the blood on both. "What have you done?"  
  
"Oh...not sure." Gauis knew, it was obvious, the dream had been so intense, Merlin had dug his nails into the palms of his hands.  
  
"I need to get a few things. Will you be ok for a few minutes?" He only just acknowledged the nod from the boy.  
  
Rushing around his room- not that it was necessary, there was no emergency- he found all the equipment he needed, as well as some more calming tea for Merlin to drink and a lotion for his sore head. Returning to the small room his vision fell on the hunched over figure, crying into his own lap, and by crying he meant complete breakdown crying he had very rarely seen coming from Merlin.  
  
"Oh my boy, please tell me, help me take the pain away." Tears began spilling from his own eyes, he knew that whatever had been in Merlin's dream was nothing like monsters or dangerous creatures, it was more close to home, close to his heart. Absentmindedly he began cleaning the wounds and placing a cleansing lotion on them to prevent infection. As he worked, Merlin slowly began to talk.  
  
"I was stood in the great hall, but it was destroyed, it looked thousands of years old...." Slowly but surely, Merlin relayed the entire nightmare to him as he washed, cleaned and bandaged his hands. He also continued to bath his face with a cool cloth to stem the beading sweat building up through the stress. His heart broke for the boy, the nightmare was full of everything that raged through his mind, his own fears of being hated by his friends, thought of as a liar and feeling like a monster for having to kill so many people in order to save Camelot. Of course, to top it all off, it involved his guilt towards Morgana, he had always thought that he could have stopped her actions if he'd have been more honest with her. Finishing his tale he reached up to Gauis' mouth, wiping away the now dried blood from his lip. "Did I do that?"  
  
"Oh Merlin...yes, but it was an accident, and I had to get close to you to stop you from hurting yourself further. Merlin you are not selfish, you are not a monster, you are more precious to me and everyone who knows you than you think. I know you feel guilty about Morgana but trust me, she would have strayed down that path anyway, it was her destiny. It was just a dream, a horrible dream brought on by the excessive stress you have been under recently, not to mention this horrendous heat!"  
  
A small laugh escaped the raven haired boy. "Yeah, if I can't stand this heat, just imagine me on the pyre being burnt as a sorcerer."  
  
Gauis gave a firm yet affectionate slap to the back of Merlin's head, "Never say something like that, the day I see you on a pyre is the day I hand myself over too. You will not be killed, not be tried as a sorcerer so long as there is breath in my body."  
  
Merlin sat forward again and pulled the bucket towards him, after a few seconds, the colour came back to his face and he set the rusty object back on the floor. "It past."  
  
"How are you feeling?"  
  
"Exhausted." And he must have done, because Merlin never admitted when he was tired or ill.  
  
"Does anywhere hurt?" He picked up both of the boys' hands to check if there was any blood seeping through, when he was happy there wasn't he continued to hold them, comfort for both himself and Merlin.  
  
"My chest does a bit, and my throat's killing me...."  
  
"I'm not surprised, you were screaming the roof down."  He felt his ward's head. "You have no fever, which is good, but you're still a little warm. You should get some sleep, it will help with the headache."  
  
The black head shook beneath his chin. "I'm not going back to sleep Gauis, I'm not!" He began crying again, and Gauis let him completely collapse into his chest, sobbing. He held his head in one hand and the boy's thin frame in the other. There they sat for hours whilst Merlin continued to release his emotions into his mentor's chest, and all Gauis could do was stroke the sweaty hair and soothe him as much as possible.  
  
It was near dawn when he noticed Merlin had stopped moving. Looking down, he saw that he had completely exhausted himself and cried himself to sleep. He occasionally twitched in what may have been another dream, but nothing serious came about.  
  
\--------------------------------------------------  
  
Gauis must have rested his eyes, for he was awoken by what could only be explained as an army trying to bust down his doors.  
  
He was about right.  
  
"WHERE IS HE!?" Arthur's voice rang out from the inner physician's quarters, and before long, his frame was bursting through Merlin's bedroom door, followed by his closest nights and even Gwen.  
  
"I am so sorry Gauis, we tried to calm him down but he wasn't having any of it." Leon apologized, before seeing Merlin lying in the physician's arms.  
  
"He didn't even have the decency to wake me this morning, I was late! My Father was furious and my armour has......" He trailed off when he saw his manservant curled up on Gauis' chest, still completely pale and very much asleep- despite his Prince's dulcet tones.  
  
Gwen pushed through and sat on the bed. "What happened? Is he ok?"  
  
"He had a bad night, a very bad one which I'd rather not go into. He's completely exhausted and made himself quite ill, I am afraid he will not be of service today. I had planned on sending news but I must have fallen asleep. The fault is my own sire." He directed the latter half to Arthur who, unbelievably, had a guilty look plastered on his face.  
  
Gwaine had also pushed forward and sat besides Merlin on the floor, looking at his hands. "What's this?"  
  
"A result of his nightmare I am afraid."  
  
"Oh friend." Gwaine took one of Merlin's hands and affectionately patted it, careful not to disturb the injuries.  
  
"I am sorry Gauis. I did not mean to be so harsh. Of course, let him rest. I shall visit again tonight to see how he fairs if that is ok...of course, only so I know if I must hire another servant for a few days." Gauis noticed the way Arthur hid his worry for Merlin behind his princely exterior, but did not mention it.  
  
"Of course, come just before you turn in, then I can tell you if he will be with you tomorrow."  
  
"Thank you Gauis and, er, I hope he, er, get's better." Arthur's determination to hide his affection towards his manservant was causing a far more awkward situation than was necessary. Slowly, he nodded and made his way out of the room, with his other knights following, all except Gwaine and Gwen.  
  
"Should we stay Gauis?" Gwen was stroking Merlin's hair with a soft smile on her face, she had always been fond of the boy.  
  
"You do not have to, I have it under control. Though you can if you like. Except Gwaine, I expect you'll be in bother if you miss training....again. From what Merlin has told me, you will have attended 1 of 5 practices this week."  
  
"Ahh, you have a point there Gauis, and I'm pretty sure princess would be angry, especially since he's in bother with his father. I'll be by to check on him later, if that is ok?"  
  
Gauis nodded and bid farewell to the knight, he too had a place for Merlin in his heart. He turned to Gwen who was still comforting Merlin. It really must have been a bad dream, for it was hours since he had fallen asleep.  
  
"He is ok, isn't he? He just looks so ill."  
  
"Merlin rarely has bad dreams, and when he does they are very intense. I believe he was overheated and overworked, which brought about this particular episode. He will be fine in time, though I fear a little shaky for the next few days."  
  
"You should get some rest Gauis, I'll stay here and look over him. Is there anything I should know if he wakes up?"  
  
"Nothing really, but you can give him this, it will help with any aches or pains." He pointed to the tea and lotion he had brought through hours ago. When Gwen nodded he moved himself into a more comfortable position and took her hand. "Thank you for being such a good friend to him, he really needs it."  
  
"My pleasure, I'd be lost without him."  
  
Looking down, he saw a smile on Merlin's lips, and he could only imagine that a small part of the boy's subconscious had heard Gwen's words. Gauis kissed Merlin's head before falling into a dreamless sleep with his ward in his arms and a smile on his lips. For years he had wanted a son, but it had never happened, and now he had one, and he would not change it for the world. Merlin meant everything to him, and there was nothing that would take him away from him.


End file.
